My Parent’s read my blog. In our daily routine we usually just have time to say hello and goodbye as we pass each other in the Kitchen.
We all had taken a lot of comfort in Satomi’s Mom coming over every day to help us. My Parent’s learned that this plan may be a bit flawed through my blog.
This afternoon, my Mom told me that they changed around their plans and my Dad would stay for (3) extra weeks to help with the girls.
Satomi cried. (I would have cried too but I burned my hand making Fried Rice for Satomi’s lunch.)
We didn’t even have to ask them to do it. Now that’s unconditional love. I am so proud that they are my Parents.
We are so thankful. Things just got a bit easier.
That’s 5 days left until my Parent’s leave for San Jose. It’s always on my mind and it weighs heavy.
My stress level is through the roof and my emotional stability is very low (2 on the 5 scale). I actually woke up this morning with a stress headache.
Strangely, my worry this morning is focused on the girls lunches-How, what, and when. Yesterday afternoon, my Mom tried to tell me what they liked and how she prepared it. I was not so receptive-Just distracted I think.
We’ve decided to reduce Kandi’s swim lessons to once a week. It’s just too difficult to rush dinner and pull everyone together to take them over to the pool after a long day of work and school. The $100 a month savings is also nice.
Satomi had a goal of increasing to full days beginning today. She would still limit her time to 3-days a week. When I left for work this morning, she hadn’t decided if she felt up to a full day. I told her to take it easy. If necessary, my Mom could still pick her up. Beginning next week, I would have to leave work at noon, drive her home, and then return to work. Far from ideal but doable, at least for the short term.
I’ve been sick for the past few days and it has really slowed me down. In the whole scheme of things, we can’t afford my being sick. My Parent’s watched the kids on Saturday so I could sleep for a few hours. I skipped the Father’s Day BBQ at the in-laws house and slept some more on Sunday. This morning I feel about 75% but I still have that headache.
Jillian is increasing her hours at Pre-School today. She used to go half-days 3-days-a-week. Now its full time 5-days-a-week. We all think she has matured enough to handle it. I asked Kandice to watch out for her little sister on the playground; She enthusiastically ageed.
There are a lot of important things potentially happening today. Hopefully they work out.
Now that my Parent’s are leaving this weekend, we have had to make some plans. Far from the ideal but plans that address all of our needs nonetheless.
On the surface, our plans are fairly simple: Satomi’s Mom is going to drive from their home in La Palma and help get Satomi and the girls dressed, take them all to school/work, and then she returns home.
Actually, it’s much more than that. On dizzy days, Satomi needs help moving around the room, taking a shower, getting dressed, etc. She tries to be self-sufficient but bad days are not predictable. There’s also days of depression; These are the days she needs her Mother.
Admittedly, our plans are selfishly focused around Satomi. Mom is typical old-school Japanese and will work till she drops. When Satomi and I approached her for help, she agreed immediately. Mom has a high blood pressure problem likely stemming from her continual worry about several people in their family including Satomi and Dad.
Dad has a serious chronic lung problem. He is on continuous oxygen and has faced death on several occasions. After a long period of waiting, the Doctors refused him a lung transplant because they questioned his ability to survive the transplant. The entire family was upset. Satomi took it upon herself to care for her Dad and provided daily physical therapy; She took a leave from work. During treatment she had to resuscitate him on at least one occasion. Over the months of care she provided, the transformation was amazing but it was not without cost.
Over that long period, Satomi spent more time with her Dad than she did with Kandice, Jillian, and me. I was seriously upset because it was my Parent’s and I that had to offset the baby care that she was not there to provide. I had to give her an ultimatum before things changed. A few months later, they found the breast cancer.
This past week has been very difficult for me. So much so that writing this blog hasn’t helped-I had to force myself to compose this post.
Trying to organize my pain is actually nauseating me. Sorry for the melodramatics but it’s how I feel.
These feelings have been brewing for some time now but I just hadn’t organized or verballized them. About a week ago a friend of mine asked how I was doing. I thought about it for a minute and gave him a level of detail that I hadn’t really discussed before. Hearing myself describe the situation out loud had a serious effect on me.
I started with the basics: the different studies; the survivability statistics; the best, the worse, and the likely; the symptoms in detail; and the medications.
It got a bit more complicated when I talked about my responsibilities to the family. Over this past week, there have been times that dealing with this crap has been almost intolerable.
I’ve metioned this numerous times before but it truly is the perfect analogy: I feel like a single father with three kids. For the time being, I still have the help of my Parent’s but that’s not for long.
My stomach hurts even more now…
I’ll have to continue this post later.
I am self-employed.
Of course that’s not what I say when people ask me what I do for a living-I think it sounds a bit arrogant. I would usually just say something about engineering or project management or something generic like that. I guess it really depends on the situation and who I am speaking with.
There are many differences between being self-employed and employed. I always question if my quitting a perfectly good 8-to-5 job was a good move.
My company has been running since 2002 or so. It was purely a moonlighting gig while I worked in the corporate world. I worked into the wee hours of the morning almost everyday but the pay was well worth it. I was always tired but I was young so who cares about sleep?
In late 2006, the side work picked up and the office moral at the day gig was dropping like a rock. To further complicate things, Kandice was almost 2 years old and I took her to Baachan’s (Grandma’s) house everyday for day care. My nightly sleep was getting even shorter and I started to feel my age. Quitting my normal job was not too difficult a decision.
Since focusing on the business, we had just over a year until we found out Satomi had breast cancer. In retrospect, that was a pretty good time and stress was low. After the breast cancer, everything changed.
There are many advantages to being self-employed but with Satomi sick and my Parent’s leaving, I am focused on the negative.
I don’t get paid unless I am working. With our lives becoming so complicated, I just can’t work as much as I once did and the time I do spend in the office isn’t as productive as normal. My billable hours are half what they were last year-That’s a huge hit.
Work used to be my refuge from the struggles of our daily life. Now the stuggles from my daily life reaches everywhere.
Satomi's Cancer Blog 