Everyday

As she worsened and lost her ability to communicate, Satomi’s visitors held her hand but ended up conversing with me.  It was nice.  We exchanged stories about Satomi’s life and most I hadn’t heard before.  Stories of her childhood and her family.  Stories of her getting in trouble or evading it.  Stories full of love and admiration.  Ironically, I feel closer now to Satomi than I ever had.  I appreciate and admire her inner strength and kind heart.  There’s so much more to her than I could ever convey here.

While I do have a few self-criticisms about my performance these last years, I only have one regret:  I wish Satomi would have been here to benefit from all that I’ve learned.  I would’ve made her so much happier had I know all this before.  She deserved it.

It’s been nearly a week since the funeral and I’m sad everyday.  I do my best to keep up the positive facade.  Besides a few words here, I am not compelled to express myself much beyond the cliché “taking it day by day”.  I just want to soak in my sadness for a while.  It’s been years since I had allowed myself to feel this way.

I had planned to wallow in my self-pity for the week but unexpectedly, an opportunity arose that prompted several meetings about my Patent.  I had no choice but to return to work this past Tuesday.  I’m not in a happy-happy fun-fun place but I’m sane enough to work.  So no mourning time for Sean.  I’m upset but holding it together.

Very soon I’m returning to the gym with an iPod full of Na Leo.  I’m hoping that it upsets me enough to push myself.  I need to get healthy and this pain is an excellent motivator to do it.

My parents are taking Kandice and Jillian to San Jose in a couple of weeks to visit my sister.  I’ll have a whole week to myself to gather my thoughts.  I’m looking forward to the alone time.  Maybe I’ll even have some fun.  Either way, I just need to clear my head.

This is going to be a long road but I think we’re doing ok.