As I’ve mentioned in about a thousand of my past postings, my entrepreneurial spirit has taken a huge hit from our long road with cancer. I’ve been trying for months to rekindle what used to be core to my personality. It’s been a painfully slow process but I am happy to say that I’ve made some measurable progress.
For several months now, I’ve been talking with a former co-worker about a new business venture. At first I didn’t take it seriously but in the last couple of months my efforts have become more focused and we’ve made good progress toward formalizing this new endeavor. I’ve begun talking with people about office space, composing business plans, and as soon as he blesses it, I think we’ve even selected a business name.
Over my 18 year career in the environmental equipment industry, I’ve had a few original design ideas. I finally took my own advice and patented one of those ideas. This newfound patent will be one of our core engineered products. I am in process of designing a solvent recovery system based on my partners experience. If all goes well, this will also be part of our engineered products.
I have already begun marketing my patent and have some presentations scheduled in the weeks to come. The patent and subsequent licensing of the technology is an interesting and somewhat complicated process. I’ve had to retain an Intellectual Property attorney.
Hopefully this business is up and running in the next few months. In the mean time, it is the perfect means to get my spirit moving around again.
Not to jinx our good fortune but it seems that things are getting better.
Satomi’s “intensive” visual therapy sequence is now concluded. Did it help? To find out she needs to re-take the tests done before therapy.
Take a look at my post “Vision Baseline Tests” from back in May. Remember Satomi’s crazy drawing of the pumpkin over a pear over a elf head? Specifically, do you remember how messed up Satomi’s rendition was?
Well according to Satomi her post therapy drawing looked exactly like my “photoshopped-correct” rendition. I usually wouldn’t take her word for it but I wasn’t there on that day and she neglected to document her work of art. Trusting her word for a moment, I was quite impressed and encouraged that she had made some quantifiable progress.
I’m going to go with her next week and ask that the test be repeated so I can post a photo of it here.
Satomi’s double vision and dizziness continues to be her primary problems and this therapy seems to be improving it. She will be continuing her sessions for the forseeable future.
About 20 years ago I was psycho-analyzed by a close friend that also was a Psychology grad student at UCI. She informed me how my key personality traits formed from childhood experiences and environmental influences. It was eye-opening.
Fast-forward to early April 2010.
I had rage issues. On several occasions, I get hugely angry over arguably minor stupid things. The refrigerator door with dents the size of a fist are obvious reminders of my frustration.
The “Getting My Head Straight” part of my “back-to-a-normal-life” master plan was going unacceptably slow. This failure was a huge blow to my pride. I just couldn’t rekindle my entrepenuerial spirit in any measureable fashion. I needed to clear my head and I needed professional help. Hopefully then, my spirit would come back to life on its own.
In years past, I would simply call a friend and vent. Unfortunately for me, most of my close friends now have careers and spouses and kids. In good-conscience, I could not monopolize hours of their time. I had to look outside my circle.
Early in Satomi’s illness, I was given the name of a prominent grief counselor that specialized in cancer patients and their spouses. At the time, I strongly considered seeing her but after a bit of investigation and soul-searching, I decided against it. The idea of speaking with a “matronly figure” just made me uncomfortable.
Now that I’ve accepted the idea of professional help, I started digging. I had no physical symptoms so I didn’t think I needed a Psychiatrist. I focused my search on Family Therapists, Clinical Psychologists and Social Workers. I contacted Blue Cross Blue Shield and got the laundry list of local providers.
Now how the hell am I suppose to pick one out of this list of 96 within a 5-mile radius? Well let me tell you…
- I wanted a peer, someone similar to one of my friends that I couldn’t bring myself to bother. I didn’t want anyone to lecture me so someone near my age.
- They should have kids preferably young-like mine. Someone that could appreciate first-hand the difficulties of raising two small kids and the likelihood of having to do it alone.
- I wanted an asian but more specifically, I wanted a Japanese American (JA). Someone that could easily understand the cultural influences on my thought process.
- Finally, I wanted a female. Sorry that sounds bad.
After several days of searching, I found someone who fit. I made the call to set up an appointment.
My Therapist is a JA woman in her mid-30’s. She’s a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and married with two little kids (3 and 5 years old). She works with the County with abused kids but sees patients a few days a week.
She could easily have come from our circle of friends. Her parents help watch her kids and her husband is a professional. She just signed up her oldest for basketball.
Given the small size of the JA community, I’m sure that she would know-somebody-that-knows-somebody so I won’t use her name here. I’m also very careful about mentioning names to her. I definitely don’t use last names. She doesn’t either-she uses her maiden name for all her counseling work.
I’m a pretty open person so getting up to speed didn’t take long especially since I had the benefit of my psycho-analysis all those years ago. The first 2 or 3 meetings were fairly straightforward. We talked about all the background that is necessary to figure out how I think.
Fast-forward to today.
It’s been an interesting journey and I’ve had a few revelations.
- Things are really that bad, the pressure is huge, and my pain and difficulty coping is justified. I’m not imagining it nor am I being melodramatic.
- Stress is not my defining problem-Guilt is my defining problem. My innate guilt puts huge pressure on me and that causes my stress and frustration.
- Much of how I think and how I live are based on expectations that I put on myself. I call it “character” but many would call it excessive and ultimately unhealthy.
Ironically, I’m sure that many of you already knew these things about me. I think I just needed to hear it from someone that wasn’t already in my corner.
I’m going to continue my sessions for as long as our insurance covers it. It really helps with the pressure but more importantly, it’s allowed me time to organize my thoughts.
And the journey continues…
Satomi’s medical treatment is focused now on therapy, regaining her strength and learning to compensate for her chronic dizziness and vision problems. Doctors visits are mostly for maintenance and periodic check-ups. Safe to say that much of her life can not return to some level of routine.
As you probably figured from the brief description of Satomi’s progress in my “A Month Off” posting, she has enough strength to do household chores. It’s been going on for about 3 weeks and she seems to be adjusting just fine. While I’m sure some of you aren’t happy with the notion of Satomi doing housework, her newfound stamina couldn’t have come at a better time. Things are changing around here.
Some are more significant than others and some will seem a bit superficial. All are intended to reduce demands on my time and thought. This is the practical part of my master plan to return to a normal life.
A couple of weeks ago my father moved back in with us to help with the kids. He’s getting the girls ready in the morning as well as dropping off and picking up the girls from school. It’s a key responsibility that I no longer have to schedule around. That’s a huge relief to me.
I hired a landscaper and a house cleaner. So far they do an excellent job and the visual is quite dramatic-at least for me anyway. It’s expensive but during my self-reflection these past weeks I’ve learned that some of the smallest things can make a real difference to my state of mind. It feels good to come home to a neat yard and clean house. It makes me feel like I’m in control of my out-of-control life.
I’m screening pool cleaning people now. I need to resuscitate our spa so Satomi can use it for more Physical Therapy. It’s very green so it’s going to take a bit of work. It’s been over a year since we’ve used it so it’ll be fun for Satomi and the girls.
The girls just started summer camp and their traditional summer-time swim class. Kandice jumped into the water like a fish and Jillian actually put her face under the water. They loved it!
There’s a lot more to this plan but so far so good.
Over the past few months I have been making efforts to return to work or more accurately, to re-focus my self-defined role as husband and father from care-giver to bread-winner. It didn’t take me long to identify my problem.
The difficulty was making any measurable progress in its solution. After a month of wasting my time, I swallowed my pride and sought out professional help. It should be obvious that nothing is more serious to me.
Throughout this process I’ve written numerous times of my struggles but all attempts were mediocre and none accurately reflected my emotional state.
In my 20+ years of writing in complete and mostly coherent sentences, I’ve learned that anything this emotionally charged should be re-read with fresh eyes after being slept-on.
Even after my self-audit, none of my prose reflected my emotional state. How could it? My mood changed all the time. I had to figure things out and it took a bit of time.
That’s why I didn’t update this blog.
Satomi's Cancer Blog 