10-minutes with a Wahl razor… bzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz.
20-minutes with half a can of gel shaving cream, 2 new razors, a hot towel, and about 100 gallons of hot water… scrape, scrape, scrape…
“Ow!”
“Sorry…don’t move.” Oops, I forgot she can’t hear me.
“That feels so much better…”
“Good…”, remembering she can’t hear me, I let my thought finish itself, “but this frickin’ sucks… What the hell are we doing here again…?”
My honesty draws tears that I have long been hiding behind a facade of every other emotion I can muster. My baby looks like a cancer patient again and it breaks my heart.
The corticosteroids are making her weaker-she has trouble walking the stairs and climbing into bed now. It was quite noticeable after I returned from my trip. She needs help to walk across the room. Her confident stability is now a controlled stumble-momentum is not her friend.
I feel so alone in this but it must be so much worse for her. I always thought the isolation would be unbearable but after reading her posts, I think the dizziness trumps all.
My coping mechanism has been not to think about it and stay focused on my tasks…but her new look makes it impossible to ignore.
Sean got girls ready for bed then my mom came over so he was able to dry buzz my hair then wet shave it! The girls finally went to sleep (I think) and after shaving my head, my mom helped me take a shower! Boy, did it all feel good! The only thing was when Sean was shaving my head with the razor, he kinda has to push into my scalp and it really hurt but now that it’s shaved off, it feels soooo much better (no feel of being on fire). You don’t realize the direction your hair follicles like to go until you try to move them the other way! So I put the radiation cream on my scalp after getting out of the shower and it felt sooo good! Now, I’m here lying in bed, finishing this post and biting an apple and getting sleepy! Have to get up early tomorrow for my morning appts! Hope you all had a great weekend and have a great beginning of the holiday week!
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Yay! Today was pretty restful for me – no schedule to go by – tomorrow I’m meeting a naturopathic doctor friend to continue talking about eating healthy, and then to radiation all before 11a.m. so I’m glad I rested up today! I feel so weak from not doing anything but probably from meds, diet, dizziness, loss of hearing/vision (double vision) – all these things really have affected me hard!! In combination it’s really bad! If I had just one symptom at a time, it may be doable but they all come hand in hand and I don’t know how to control any of them really well except to not do anything! My mom should be here soon and I can finally buzz my hair! I now just have to remember where I put away my wigs/bandana! I think I know but can’t get them myself unless I want to fall over! The next 5 sessions of radiation will be the last -MTWTh then the following Mon I will be done! Thank goodness and hopefully it heals and gets rid of the cancer but just to be on the safe side, I will be getting my port-a-cath placed in my chest first week of January just so I can get more Herceptin IV so the cancer doesn’t spread again to the other parts of my body -which thank God has not yet but gotta be cautious! This HER2+ tumor really is aggressive!
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I guess I woke up early this morning, posted a blog then went back to sleep cuz now it’s 10am and finally downstairs to eat breakfast! My scalp is on fire and my hair is coming out in clumps – Sean doesn’t have time to take me to get haircut – hopefully I’ll just wait for my mom tonight and have her dry buzz it since we have a buzzer! Then, maybe tomorrow I will have her take me to Supercuts for a real razor buzz cut! We’ll see! With the girls home, can’t do too much!
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Fell asleep last night by 8pm so now I’m wide awake -thinking about stuff – especially how to shave my head? Maybe I’ll just have Sean take me Supercuts and get a initial dry buzzer shave, then a wet razor shave, massage some aloe/lotion in my scalp then put my wig or bandana on? Probably better to have the pros do it since moving around right now does not appeal to me! Getting hungry again but that’s the steroids talking and the fact I ate at 6 last night! I think Jillian fell asleep with me but Sean probably put her in her bed since I don’t feel her next to me and Sean is sleeping. Still tired but mind is thinking about stuff! Can’t believe Xmas here soon!
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Satomi's Cancer Blog 