Again…?

10-minutes with a Wahl razor…  bzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz.

20-minutes with half a can of gel shaving cream, 2 new razors, a hot towel, and about 100 gallons of hot water…  scrape, scrape, scrape…

“Ow!”

“Sorry…don’t move.”  Oops, I forgot she can’t hear me.

“That feels so much better…”

“Good…”, remembering she can’t hear me, I let my thought finish itself, “but this frickin’ sucks…  What the hell are we doing here again…?” 

My honesty draws tears that I have long been hiding behind a facade of every other emotion I can muster.  My baby looks like a cancer patient again and it breaks my heart.

The corticosteroids are making her weaker-she has trouble walking the stairs and climbing into bed now.  It was quite noticeable after I returned from my trip.  She needs help to walk across the room.  Her confident stability is now a controlled stumble-momentum is not her friend.

I feel so alone in this but it must be so much worse for her.  I always thought the isolation would be unbearable but after reading her posts, I think the dizziness trumps all.

My coping mechanism has been not to think about it and stay focused on my tasks…but her new look makes it impossible to ignore.