Not Today

So yesterday sucked but today will be better-I’m determined.  I slept well and I had my morning coffee.

So what’s first?  Let’s do something a bit more light-hearted.  Do I fit in my black suit?  That’s light-hearted, right?

I’ve been on a “not-black” suit kick these past few years so I am very doubtful.

Dig.  Pull.  Dig.  Pull.  Dig.  Pull.  Ok, there’s three that may have a chance.

Oops.  The first one is a blazer.  Why did I put a pair of pants in there with it?  It doesn’t match.  I’m a dork.  Next.

Second one is a suit.  It’s my snooty CK suit from years ago.  Still looks nice.  Jacket fits.  Here goes the pants.  HA!  Not a snowball’s chance in hell.  Next.

Third and final one.  3-Day suit broker.  I bought this one for another funeral only a few years ago.  I was fat then too so there’s a chance.  Jacket-no problem.  Pants…holding my breath.  IT FITS!  Woo-hoo!  That’s friggin great!  A few arm-pumps later I disrobe and plan to get it cleaned.  I roll up the jacket and put it in the laundry bag.  Next come the pants.  What the hell?!  No!

This is a picture of a hole in my right butt cheek.  Right where the corner of my wallet goes.  Not surprising since I’m a wallet pack-rat.  You know-someone who never takes out all the receipts and gift cards.  The wallet can be easily an inch thick on a bad day.  Another reason I like baggy jeans.

Anyway, my hoarding tendencies aside, what the hell am I going to do?  I got five days.  I know.  It’s time for a new suit baby!  I got a stack of Macy’s gift cards (all still in my wallet by the way) so I’m good to go.

Hopefully they can alter the sucker in time.  If I’m in a mismatched blazer or refuse to stand up, you know the answer.