Bad Day

I’m having a really bad day.  It’s so fitting that it’s raining outside.

I’ve suppressed my emotions all week to focus on the service.  The plans are going well but the truth is that I’ve been procrastinating.  The big stuff haunted me:  photo’s, eulogy, and cleaning her room.

The day started off bad.  Last night was the first night that I had no worries.  The girls stayed over at their cousin’s house and I didn’t have to worry about medication, seizures, or poo.  It was a quiet night and I planned to enjoy some sleep.  I woke up crying my eyes out.  You see, I dreamed of Satomi and it’s been a long time since I had done that.

It was so vivid.  Satomi was sitting at a table talking to someone and I watched from a distance.  She looked so vibrant and young.  She had long hair. I remembered all the feelings that many married couple tend to forget over time and after kids.  She was beautiful and I felt so lucky to have her.  And then I remembered our reality and got scared.  I called out “Satomi what are you doing here?”  She stopped talking and looked at me and smiled.  I walked toward her and started crying and then woke up.  It was terrible.  The room was dark and I was so alone.

I sat thinking about all the things that I had forbid myself from thinking:  Why her?  Why not me?  What had we done to deserve this?

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that Satomi and I don’t do that.  We keep it together and move forward.  Well, not tonight-it was about mourning the loss of my wife and the mother of our two wonderful children.

I fell back asleep and awoke late.  I was better so I opened up her family albums and started looking.  In a manila envelope, I found this picture.  I remember taking it but don’t remember ever seeing it.  The picture was taken at her 15-year high school reunion.  It was before our officially dating but I thought she looked so beautiful that I had to post it.

I worked on the photos for a few hours before I just couldn’t anymore.  I moved on to her room.

I organized and packed all the medical things and washed left over linens.  There’s a lot of them so it took a while.  I took down all the dry-erase boards from the wall that had my lists of medicines and schedules and such.  I got to the wall trays that held her medical information and another that held get well cards.  I reached in the bottom and found this little note.

I started crying again but this time I thought of my girls.  They lost their Mommy and I can’t take that pain away.  It just breaks my heart.

I promised myself that I’d hold it together so I could speak at the service.  There are some things that Satomi would want me to say to all of you.  At this moment, I am not strong enough to do it.  I’m just so sad for my girls, for me, and for all of her loved one’s.  I’m going to miss her so much.