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Attack of the Poo Monster-Part 1

by on January 16, 2011

Fair warning!  I’m writing this post in detail so you all can feel like you were there with me.  If you have a problem with poo, do not read this post!

Sleeping soundly.  The baby monitor next to my exhausted head erupts with Satomi was yelling my name.  I throw myself out of bed and run to the other room.  I’m far from awake.  What the hell?  What time is it?  6:00am and the sun is just coming up.  I have a stress headache.

The Milk of Magnesia laxative worked and worked well.  It looked like the bottom of her underwear exploded.  It was everywhere-on the sheets, on the liner, on the blankets, on the pillow, on Satomi’s night-shirt, and her legs.  Seriously, a poo IED just went off.  For a solid 5 seconds, I stood there in poo shock.  Satomi yelled my name again and I was pulled back to reality.  Oh shit.  I need a plan.  And a crap load full of supplies-wipes, diapers, liners, and about 1,000 pairs of gloves.  What a way to wake up on a Sunday morning.

How do I get her off the bed without further squishage?  I won’t.  Screw it.  Sit her up and slide her to the edge of the bed.  Squish.  Smear.  Yukk!!

How do I get the diaper off without big chunks falling on the floor.  Don’t forget that Satomi needs to be standing when this happens.  Crap.  We can do it.  Tear the tabs off the diaper and let it flop.  Put multiple layers of liner on the floor.  Take off her sleep shirt and toss into the corner of the room.  Hold both hands and stand her up.  Slowly.  I hear a squishy noise.  She’s standing and fairly stable.  Let go with my left hand and cup the heavy part of the diaper.  Give it a tug and the I feel the full weight of it in the palm of my hand.  Wow.  That’s heavy.  Pull it away slowly.  Drip.  Drip.  Glop.  Glop.  That floor liner better work.  Turn and toss the diaper into the trash can.  I should have put the can closer to the bed than to me.  The angle is awkward and my throw is about 6 inches wide.  Splosh.  Gross!  Chunks on the carpet, on the wheel chair, on the table legs, on the side of the trash can.  Friggin great.  Satomi is still standing.  She needs to sit on the potty.  Wait.  Don’t move!  Don’t step on poo!  Pull the chunky floor liner away from Satomi’s feet.  Crumple and throw into the trash can.  I correct and my aim is right on.  Ok Satomi, let’s keep shuffling over to the potty.  The 12 inches between the bed and the potty seat can be far for her so I keep spotting her.  With only my right hand.  The left one is covered with poo.  Shuffle.  Shuffle.  Drip.  Drip.  Glop.  Drip.  Shuffle.  Shuffle.  Turn around.  I move the potty so it is lined up with the booty.  Ok Honey, sit down.  Sit down.  You can sit down now.  Sit down.  Feel free to sit down.  Uh.  Sit down.  I move my right hand down and she gets the message.  She sits down.  Squish!  Bullseye!  Yukk.  But she’s safe and stable.

New Gloves.  Stock pile baby-wipes and sani-wipes.  Line them all up.  Satomi’s can’t sit on the potty for long.  Her spine hurts.  Double time!  Remember to use the flushable baby wipes-Not the Lysol sani-wipes.  Wipe down everything on the top side of her body-front part of the legs, shins, calves, feet, hands, arms, torso, upper back.  New gloves.  Change over to the Lysol sani-wipes.  So happy I got the big Costco pack.  Wipe the bed handrail and exposed frame, the potty frame.  New gloves.  Pull the sheets, blankets, pillow cases, and liners.  Throw into the corner.  My back hurts!  Crap.  Faster.  I need to stand up.  No don’t stand up.  New gloves.  I write a note:  “Don’t stand up!”  She reads and nods.  Replace the sheets.  I need to stand up.  No.  Replace the liner.  I need to stand up.  No.  She stands up.  Shit!  Drip.  Drip.  Damn!  Sit down!  She sits down.  New gloves.  Back to baby wipes.  On my knees next to the potty.  Most booty access from there.  I need to stand up.  Ok, stand up.  She grasps the potty rails and stands up.  Drip.  Drip.  I spot her hip with my left hand.  Right hand starts to wipe and wipe and wipe and wipe.  Her knees are shaky.  I need to sit down.  Wipe the potty seat.  Shift into top gear.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  I need to sit down.  Wipe the seat back.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Suddenly she bends at her waist and touches the floor.  What?  I stop wiping.  How the hell did that happen?  She’s still standing but she’s bent at her waist and her head is down near at the floor.  Seriously.  What the hell?  I’m still holding her hip.  She’s still talking.  I need to sit down.  Guide her butt back onto the seat.  She sits.  No drips.  No squish.  Amazingly, no headache.

I catch my breadth.  New gloves.

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