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Attack of the Poo Monster-Part 2

by on January 16, 2011

Again fair warning!  I’m writing this post in detail so you all can feel like you were there with me.  If you have a problem with poo, do not read this post!

Kneel down at her feet.  Best access for what comes next.  Grab a new Depends.  Snake the Catheter bag through the right leg opening (as I was taught).  Compared to the generic cheap crap the hospice leaves us, these Depends are excellent.  I have a new appreciation of adult diapers.  The diaper is up to her mid-thigh.  We’ll pull it up once she’s not sitting down any more.  Can I stand?  Yup.  I grasp and guide her hands upward.  She stands.  Pull up the diaper.  Reach around and adjust the booty.  I stand up.  She shuffles back over to the bed.  I move the catheter bag out-of-the-way.  It would suck if one of us stepped on it.

She turns around.  Sits down on the edge of the bed.  Baby wipe entire exposed body just in case.  Dump wipes.  Trash can still very full.  Splat. Splat.  Gag.  Ignore.  Grab new sleep shirt from shelf.  Head and arms through.  She butt-walks back onto the bed.  Lies down.  Rolls over.  Faces wall.  Raise head of bed to maximum elevation.  No pillows or blankets yet.  Cover her with a clean towel.  Put up the rail just in case.  Hang the catheter bag.  I’m cold.  Close the window.  Grab extra blanket.  Cover her.  New gloves.

Carry poo stained linens to laundry room.  Dirtiest first.  Sheet.  Liner.  Sleep shirt.  pillow cases.  Rest on the floor.  Hot wash/Cold rinse.  Oxy booster.  Tide HE.  Colorsafe bleach.  Crap load of softener.  Stain cycle.  Start.  New gloves.

Walk my tired ass back to poo room and take inventory.  Satomi sleeping.  Poo covered trash can, floor, wheelchair, table legs, carpet, toilet frame and seat.  Full toilet pan.

Find clean section of floor and sit down.  Gather big chunks first.  Too big for wipes.  Just grab the meatballs bastards with my gloved hands.  Into trash can.  Clunk.  Clunk. Clunk.  Grab hairball-looking poo next.  Watery.  Drip.  Drip.  Damn-more spots on the carpet.  Good thing it’s not a solid color.  Slimy.  Splat.  New gloves. 

Open new Sani-wipe container.  Wheel chair first.  Poo on the seat, wheels, frame, all the nooks and crannies.  This is going to take me forever.  Keep cleaning.  Keep finding more little chunks. Keep cleaning.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Don’t roll wheelchair.  Will smash small poo chunks into carpet.  Wipe. Wipe Wipe.  Table feet next.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Keep finding more little chunks. Keep cleaning.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Trash can next.  Hairball poo stuck on side.  Scrape.  Drip.  Drip.  Scoop.  Splat into trash can.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  More wipes.  New gloves.  Clean the carpet.  Blot.  Blot.  Blot.  Scrub.  Scrub.  Scrub.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Damn spots.   Scrub.  Scrub.  Scrub.  New gloves.

Toilet frame is next.  Seat lid top.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Seat lid bottom.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Seat top.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Seat bottom.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Arm rests.  Wipe.  Frame.  Wipe.  Must empty poo bucket now.  Wipe handle.  Lift poo bucket.  Carefully carry to Master Bathroom.  Add extra water into bucket.  Carry to toilet.  Lift seat.  Preflush toilet.  Dump full poo bucket into moving water.  What the hell?  The water is rising.  Poo water is almost to the rim of the toilet.  This is not frickin happening.  The poo gods must be laughing their asses off.  My damn toilet is backed up an inch from the rim.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  Walk to the laundry room.  Find a gallon of industrial drain cleaner.  Carry back to the plugged toilet.  Skim instructions.  DO NOT USE IN TOILETS.  Screw it.  Dump the whole gallon into the poo goop.  The toilet is filled up to the tip top.  Walk away and ignore the problem.  Return to the cleaning.  New gloves.

Put the bucket into the frame.  Scrub the bucket and the rest of the toilet frame.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Scrub the floor surrounding the toilet.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe.  Room is looking much better.  Smells like cleaning solution…and poo.  New gloves.

Move washed linens to dryer.  Add bounce.  High temp.  Max dry.  Start.   Load the rest of the poo linens in the washer room.  Blankets.  Warm wash/Cold rinse.  Tide HE.  Crap load of softener.  Extra Rinse.  Start.  New gloves.

Back to Master Bathroom.  Did the drain cleaner work?  Nope.  Not at all.  Did the water level drop?  Not at all.  What the hell?  I bet all those flushable wipes aren’t so flushable.  Stick a toilet brush into the chemical poo goo.  Careful.  Don’t splash.  Yup.  Clogged with wipes.  Stir.  Poke.  Stir.  Poke.  Stir.  Poke.  SPLOOSH!  Nice.  All my troubles down the damn drain.

Back to check on Satomi.  She’s fine and dozing.  Rooms looks good except for the washing linens.  I sit on the floor and look around.  Be fine in another hour or so.  Things look good.  7:00am.  I can sleep for another 30 minutes if I don’t take a shower.  Hmmm.

Satomi rolls over, “Sean…can you help me.  I have to go poo…”

Damn.

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