I’m in a difficult situation that is occuring all too often.
I’m a talker. I’m not one of those strong silent types that internalize their feelings (and end up getting hypertension and having a heart attack). I wear my feelings on my arm, my forehead, my butt, and just about anywhere else I can express myself. I’ve always been that way and actually took pride in my self-analytical prowess.
The present situation changes things. It changes my mechanism of dealing with stress. Satomi just can’t hear about my, our, and her problems. I’m suppose to be her rock, right? Well, damn it, rocks don’t talk! Especially when doing so will risk Satomi’s health. This is the quagmire that is my life. I see no end in sight and as I mentioned before, I am faced with this dillemma more and more frequently.
Last night before bed and after Dancing with the Stars, we talked about our relationship and the future. As you probably have already predicted, this type of subject can be one hell of a trigger to a emotional episode. Call me stupid but this obvious fact didn’t occur to me until we had already exchanged a few sentences. I should have avoided the subject.
Long story short, we both ended up saying things that the other found quite a bit upsetting. The rebuttals that I blurted out in those few seconds made no difference to my state of mind. In fact it caused Satomi physical pain. I realized what I had done and immediately stopped talking and swallowed my feelings.
My head and heart were filled with a mixture of guilt and the sharp pain of her arguments and accusations. The abrupt stoppage didn’t give me the oppurtunity to clarify and close, to understand her point, and most importantly, to ease either of our pain. My emotions have some significant momentum to them-once you get them moving, they are very hard to stop.
In those following minutes, I felt abandoned in my own thoughts and feelings. As a defense mechanism, I felt my mind pulling away from her and “erect the walls around my heart”. This scared the crap out of me. This is my wife. Why would I feel that way? These feelings don’t make much sense to me yet. I’ll tell you what I figure out if and when I do. Until then I will just continue on and take it day-by-day.
Going through cancer really tests a marriage. Any one that makes it through unscathed has my undying respect and admiration. I was told in our therapy group that more than 1 in 4 couples dealing with cancer end in divorce. If the pain and stress that Satomi and I feel is anywhere near typical, this statistic is sad but quite understandable.
Satomi is going back to work tomorrow.
She’s doing so well, I can’t say no. She’s planning to work half a day tomorrow. If things go well, she’ll be working 3 half-days a week.
She still can’t drive so she’ll be getting a ride from my Parents or myself. Jillian goes to preschool on Monday, Wednesday, & Friday for half days so we won’t have to make a special trip.
I have mixed feelings and will be watching her closely.
For all of you that haven’t had the chance to see or talk to Satomi, I added this short video of her walking around the block with the kids.
It’ll give you an idea of her progress. She walks about the same as before the operation. To give you an idea of her pace, please notice that she’s pulling the kids along.
Many of you may think this is gross and a bit tasteless. Call it curiousity but lot’s of people wants to see the scar so here it is…
Without staples, it doesn’t look bad at all. Nice haircut, huh?
Who is walking up and down the halls on the second day after brain surgery? Our Satomi. Who passes all of the PT and neuro tests and leaves the hospital in 4 days? Our Satomi. Who is walking around the block (with supervision) in only 9 days? Our Satomi. Who is walking up and down the stairs all by herself in less than 2 weeks? Our Satomi. Who is impressing every doctor she meets? Our beloved Satomi.
Satomi is getting better everyday. Now that the staples are out and her balance is back, she doesn’t need me to help her bath or move around or go up and down the stairs. I am not comfortable with this newfound mobility but she’s learned just not to ask permission. (She better not teach that trick to our girls-Grrr!)
When she’s not openly defying me, she spends most of her waking hours watching TV. The boredom is just driving her nuts. She’s told me that many times but I already knew-I can see the boredom brewing on her face.
While I may think she’s nuts and you may think I’m nuts, everyone has to admire her strength. Assuming she continues on this path, I think I’m going to let her go back to work as soon as the week of May 11th. We’re considering half-days a couple times a week but we’ll have to see how it goes.
Our goal is for her to exercise her mind. I will not allow her to be exposed to any stress whatsoever so I’m not overly sure how long this will last.
She wants this so I will do whatever I can to make it happen.
Satomi's Cancer Blog 