Last Night

I’m in a difficult situation that is occuring all too often.

I’m a talker.  I’m not one of those strong silent types that internalize their feelings (and end up getting  hypertension and having a heart attack).  I wear my feelings on my arm, my forehead, my butt, and just about anywhere else I can express myself.  I’ve always been that way and actually took pride in my self-analytical prowess. 

The present situation changes things.  It changes my mechanism of dealing with stress.  Satomi just can’t hear about my, our, and her problems.  I’m suppose to be her rock, right?  Well, damn it, rocks don’t talk!  Especially when doing so will risk Satomi’s health.  This is the quagmire that is my life.  I see no end in sight and as I mentioned before, I am faced with this dillemma more and more frequently.

Last night before bed and after Dancing with the Stars, we talked about our relationship and the future.  As you probably have already predicted, this type of subject can be one hell of a trigger to a emotional episode.  Call me stupid but this obvious fact didn’t occur to me until we had already exchanged a few sentences.  I should have avoided the subject. 

Long story short, we both ended up saying things that the other found quite a bit upsetting.  The rebuttals that I blurted out in those few seconds made no difference to my state of mind.  In fact it caused Satomi physical pain.  I realized what I had done and immediately stopped talking and swallowed my feelings.

My head and heart were filled with a mixture of guilt and the sharp pain of her arguments and accusations.  The abrupt stoppage didn’t give me the oppurtunity to clarify and close, to understand her point, and most importantly, to ease either of our pain.  My emotions have some significant momentum to them-once you get them moving, they are very hard to stop.

In those following minutes, I felt abandoned in my own thoughts and feelings.  As a defense mechanism, I felt my mind pulling away from her and “erect the walls around my heart”.  This scared the crap out of me.  This is my wife.  Why would I feel that way?  These feelings don’t make much sense to me yet.  I’ll tell you what I figure out if and when I do.  Until then I will just continue on and take it day-by-day.

Going through cancer really tests a marriage.  Any one that makes it through unscathed has my undying respect and admiration.  I was told in our therapy group that more than 1 in 4 couples dealing with cancer end in divorce.  If the pain and stress that Satomi and I feel is anywhere near typical, this statistic is sad but quite understandable.