The Poo Monster Strikes Back

The Monster struck back at me tonight.  It put up a hell of a fight.  Our first meeting was a frontal assault and it hit me with all of its heavy weapons.  Although I was ultimately victorious, I learned to respect its power.  This time the dark gooey bastard snuck up on me.  It was only at half strength but the element of surprise caused me to lose my cool and nearly surrender on several occassions.  This is the story of our battle this eve.  If any of you have a weak temperment, please refrain from continuing.  It is entirely possible that I am suffering from PPTSD (Post Poo Traumatic Stress Disorder) so I cannot tell the story in as graphic detail as in the past.  I will do what I can.

Here’s some background. 

For many weeks now, Satomi had been trying to convince me to let her pee on the bedside toilet.  Since she has a catheter, doing so is just a waste of energy and increases her risk of seizure.  As you can imagine my answer 99% of the time is “Nope”.  Since she doesn’t typically remember my long explanations about all this, I usually just skip it and shake my head “No!”  This may sound cold but if any of you were here with me and experienced her perseveration first hand, there would be no complaints. 

In an effort to be fair or at least seem so, I now respond to her request with a simple question “Pee or Poo?”  Any “Pee” or reluctant “…….Poo” answers were met with me showing her the catheter bag with no verbal response whatsoever.  Efficient and to the point.  In return, Satomi has a tendancy to call me an “ASS!”.  I’ve mostly gotten used to it after the first thousand times.  Anyway, I digress.  The important point to remember is that these discussions and subsequent insults can last many minutes.

In recent days, Satomi has learned not to answer “Pee”.  I’m convinced that it’s because we’ve been doing it for so long, it’s moved from short-term memory to long-term memory.  She either blatantly lies and says “Poo” or she says “I don’t know.”  In anticipation of corraling the infamous poo monster, we make the effort to transfer her to the bedside toilet and accept the associated risks.  In nearly all instances, the monster never appeared and in some instances, Satomi forgot why she was sitting on the toilet-Seriously.  I kept getting mad.  It felt like I was Charlie Brown and she was the proverbial Lucy with that damn foot ball. 

So I’ve learned that my drugged-out wife is full of crap and she’s cries wolf way too often.  Whenever she answers “Poo”, I am compelled to be distrustful and ask more questions.

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Just before dinner today, I moved Satomi from the bed to the wheelchair.  She typically eats her meals there as it supports her back well and she has the oppurtunity to get out of her bed.  Once she was down onto the wheelchair, I sat down on the floor in front of her and pushed on her knees to help her slide back into the chair.  I heard a fart and smelled a smell.  Nasty but not as nasty as I’ve experienced in recent weeks.

I looked at her and said “Potty?”

She said “Pee…Poo…”  She was confused.

I wrote her a note asking her “Pee or poo?”

She looked at me for a second and said “I need to go bad.”

I stood up, opened the bedside toilet, and tried to get her to stand up.

She said “I think I went already…”

“No!” I screamed.  That was really fast.

I pulled the tabs off the diaper to view the damage.  It was complete carnage.  The monster attacked from underneath and came forward and engulfed the entire front portion of the diaper.  It looked like peanut butter-Yukk!  Every crack, crevase, and orifice was caked full of the monster.  I had to stop many times to compose myself and to keep Satomi from moving any part of her body.

The trauma was so great, my PPTSD caused me to supress the detailed memories.  Consider yourselves lucky.

Two full packages of baby wipes, twenty-pairs of gloves, and ten disposable liners later, the wheelchair and Satomi were clean enough to return to a normal life.  I am really concerned that all the corners and crevices are adequately clean but I’ll probably leave that to the sponge bath aide lady tomorrow.

The monster took advantage of all our “pee or poo” bickering.  That ninja bastard is sneaky.