Don’t know what to do….

This weekend was supposed to be filled with time spent with family and friends but it was really hard when you can’t hear the majority of what’s being talked about.  We had a pretty low-key Thanksgiving dinner with just my immediate side of the family and we ordered the meal from Sprouts so that no one had to slave over the stove (even though Sean ended up doing that since the food was mediocre and he spent much of the time trying to salvage whatever we had so it was at least somewhat flavorful).  There really isn’t anything that will compare to homemade turkey and it’s fixin’s.  I’m kinda glad I don’t have much of an appetite since I’m sure I would’ve really been disappointed.  Everyone seemed ok with it though.  Then on Friday, we spent the afternoon with Yosh, Cindy and their boys which was fun for the girls since after lunch, we all went to the park.  The kids played on the jungle gym and afterwards played “tag” with Yosh and Sean.  Just watching them made me dizzier!  But it was fun, even though I couldn’t hear everything that was said.  Then on Saturday, we went to Rancho Palos Verdes and went over to my cousins for a get-together since her girls were home for the weekend.  We used to spend Thanksgiving together but then we all grew up and moved all over the place and the moms were getting too old to do a full on holiday meal for the whole family so it was fun to see everyone together, like old times! Again, it was hard to be in the conversations since I couldn’t hear or see everyone talk (I try to “hear” with my ears but also try to read lips to match what they are saying and it always wasn’t so easy!)   Today we just had a quiet day at home – Sean’s parents came back here yesterday so I’m grateful the girls had someone else to hang out with – I am really tired from the dizziness and also from straining to hear!  I had to take an afternoon nap – seems like I’ve taken a nap everyday this past week.

Tomorrow is my appt with my oncologist.  I’m not sure what she’ll say but I think the plan will include whole brain radiation – I’m kinda worried about it since the side effects are memory loss, dementia, cognitive ability, etc.  I know I’ve already done cyberknife which is still radiation but it’s specific to the actual tumor; with whole brain, the whole brain is effected.  Throughout this process after finding out the cancer had spread to my brain, I always felt lucky that my memory and cognitive abilities were still intact.  But now with it spreading, I have to do something but whole brain radiation was supposed to be the last resort and here we are.  I’m thinking of changing my diet to more organic, and possibly to exclude meats (I don’t know how I will be able to do that) but at this point, that is one of the few things I haven’t done.  But, we’ll see.

Not being able to hear is also making me depressed since I really can’t carry on a normal conversation.  But, thanks to texting and e-mail, I’m able to correspond with my friends that way.  But I know how frustrating it is when I’m always saying, “Huh?” to especially Sean and the girls (I know Sean’s frustrated so he limits what he says to me, which is hard for him since he is a talker).

Sean or I will update this blog after we see my oncologist tomorrow.  Hopefully there will be some good info that comes out of it – keep your fingers crossed!  Thank you all for the positive comments – it really makes me happy to know that I have such great family and friends that care so much about me.