Weaker

Satomi didn’t have a seizure yesterday or today so these were good days.  I cared for her alone all day long-a bath, changed the sheets, cleaned the portable toilet, made meals, and administered meds.  I tried to conceive her typical day and work out a system-some plan to do everything.  Now that everyone is in bed and still reasonably intact, I think it safe to say that my technique is sound although it does need practice.

I was haunted by a thought throughout the day:  Satomi is quickly getting weaker.  How long will this plan work?  Changing plans are something that I’ve had to learn to accept but the real-life conditions are quite upsetting.  There will be a time that Satomi won’t be able to walk to the bathroom or even use the portable bedside toilet.  There will be a time that she won’t be able to get out of bed or sit-up.  It’s only been a week since her first obvious problems.  How will it be in a week?  In a month?

I heated up a traditional Japanese New Year’s dinner and placed it on a portable hospital table her Mom had brought us.  I had to rush downstairs and feed the girls so I left her alone with it.  Upon my return I learned that Satomi had trouble eating and spilled soup onto her newly changed nightshirt.  I was reminded of my persistent thought:  A time would come that she wouldn’t be able to feed herself, chew, or even swallow.  It really bothered me.  I helped change her nightshirt but my frustration was obvious.  She probably thinks I was mad about the wet shirt.

These past years have been difficult but I never doubted myself.  I may have been a stressed out asshole but I never doubted myself.  As I type this, the only thought I have is “…can I handle what comes next?”