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Weaker

by on January 1, 2011

Satomi didn’t have a seizure yesterday or today so these were good days.  I cared for her alone all day long-a bath, changed the sheets, cleaned the portable toilet, made meals, and administered meds.  I tried to conceive her typical day and work out a system-some plan to do everything.  Now that everyone is in bed and still reasonably intact, I think it safe to say that my technique is sound although it does need practice.

I was haunted by a thought throughout the day:  Satomi is quickly getting weaker.  How long will this plan work?  Changing plans are something that I’ve had to learn to accept but the real-life conditions are quite upsetting.  There will be a time that Satomi won’t be able to walk to the bathroom or even use the portable bedside toilet.  There will be a time that she won’t be able to get out of bed or sit-up.  It’s only been a week since her first obvious problems.  How will it be in a week?  In a month?

I heated up a traditional Japanese New Year’s dinner and placed it on a portable hospital table her Mom had brought us.  I had to rush downstairs and feed the girls so I left her alone with it.  Upon my return I learned that Satomi had trouble eating and spilled soup onto her newly changed nightshirt.  I was reminded of my persistent thought:  A time would come that she wouldn’t be able to feed herself, chew, or even swallow.  It really bothered me.  I helped change her nightshirt but my frustration was obvious.  She probably thinks I was mad about the wet shirt.

These past years have been difficult but I never doubted myself.  I may have been a stressed out asshole but I never doubted myself.  As I type this, the only thought I have is “…can I handle what comes next?”

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One Comment
  1. John permalink

    To answer your last question….the answer is of course you can. The answer may not be obvious….but you can handle it. And if you ever feel like you’re about to fall off the edge, call family….friends……we’re all here for you. And we all will do what we can to help…..

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